ok it all started friday night.  i was sitting on the couch next to my bf and i said out of the blue, so are you going to get your vasectomy reversed in the next couple of years?   and to summarize, the answer was no, i made the decision for a reason, and it would cost way too much, and there’s not any guarantee that would even work…  well i’ve known about this vasectomy all along, and i don’t know why i would have expected it to change, i’ve just stuck it out with mark because i know he’s a good man, we have a lot in common, a lot of fun together, and i know he’s good for me.  good for me in the everyday life sense.  i used to go out drinking like nearly everyday before him, and the year before i met him, i had 6 boyfriends.  6 people to stay up all night talking with, to get to know.  i hate dating, always having to be looking your best, acting your best, trying to impress.  and you spend way too much money when dating, with all the going out stuff.  6  people was way too many for one year, i was exhausted, and then i met mark, and we were just friends for like 4 months, and then one thing led to another, and so now here i am 2 years later, and really in love.  don’t get me wrong i whine a lot about trivial things, like how gross it is that he never washes out his toothbrush and gets toothpaste all over everything, and sometimes i feel unappreciated, but whenever i point that out, he makes sure to let me know that he does appreciate me.  i don’t know why i felt the need to bring up the whole vasectomy thing out of nowhere, maybe because we had so much fun on our trip, and it just got me to thinking, if this isn’t going to work out, then what am i doing here?  i know i’m only 24, but i’m comfy here, and i could easily wake up 30, and be like wow, lifes flying by, i want to have kids soon, but i don’t have anyone to have kids with! 

well the other thing is that i spend all my time, energy and money (what little i have) on mark’s life and family.  he has 3 kids, 1 that lives in tennessee, who he hasn’t seen in 2 years but is coming to visit next month, and 2 here in town that we have every weekend and occasionally during the week.  when they are here, i get up with them in the morning.  i wash them and dress them, feed them and get them a drink when they’re thirsty.  i buy their clothes and pay for them to have swimming or gymnastics lessons.  last year, i bought all the christmas presents.  i clean up after everyone.  i plan fun activities and outings every weekend, and often pay for them.  i taught them the alphabet and how to count to 100, now we are working on phonics and reading.  the point is, that pretty much everything i do, i do for mark.  and i just cannot fathom how he could expect that i should pass on ever being a mom myself, because he was irresponsible early in his life and ended up with 3 kids.  i don’t want to get old and be alone, who does?

 i have a friend who has said he would donate sperm for me to have kids later, but i haven’t discussed it with mark.  and this friend is actually an ex boyfriend, so i don’t know how that would go over.  i’m not so keen on the idea anyway.  for one thing, i don’t think mark would be as into me and my kid living in his house…  i don’t think he would love my kid/s the way i love his…  also, the whole process of artificial insemination, well, it definitely has a yuck factor, as far as the procedure goes.  further, the idea of being pregnant/giving birth does not appeal to me.  i don’t know that i’ll ever be like, ok, this is the time, i’m ready, i want to do this now…  i think it would be much better if it just happened accidentally… but it isn’t going to.

pretty much everyone i talk to says i should just leave.  that it just can’t work out.  dara made a great point in saying that “sometimes we have to give up what we like/love now, to get what we want and is good for us in the long run”  i don’t want to leave, i really do love mark.  and i don’t want to be at square 1 again.  i hate dating, i don’t want to do it.  i know some people who are trying to set me up with someone in their family, and it’s just like, i can’t even imagine being with someone else.  i don’t want to.

so what’s a girl to do?  i need to find some resolve to get myself out of this state of bummed outedness.  because i’m not doing anything good for myself stuck inside my thoughts and sorrows…

anyhow, i’ll be back next week, tues, or weds, and then i’m going to get super serious about losing weight.  i can’t wait to get back to losing 2-3 lbs a week.  i’ve been hanging out at 144-145, for like 3 or 4 weeks now, i’m ready to get back on board and get serious, and fit into my pants!!  i hope everyone has a great week this week and i’ll talk to you all next week!

i appreciate all of your support, and i will get back on track here, but it’s just been total chaos all week.  i’ve been spending pretty much all of my spare time gardening.  we’re leaving for vacation next wednesday and there’s just so much to do.  first of all, i’ve got to get all of my veggies in the ground.  and we didn’t even have a spot rotatilled for them, so there was that, the weeding, the painting and constructing of a fence - by the way, i have launched an all out war on the squirrels, who have been using my flower beds as a buffet….  if anyone has suggestions about keeping the squirrels out without dumping poison in the ground, i need help, it seems to be a battle i’m losing.  anyhow, i haven’t been getting to my workouts, i haven’t been counting my calories.  i’ve got to get the house clean enough for a house sitter, have to find a house sitter, have to make care sheets for all my critters, have to pack, have to keep up with the daily responsibilities…  i’m on overload this week.  this vacation thing has really created a lot of stress!  once i get back, i should be able to get back to my routine.  i really thrive with having a routine, but this week there just hasn’t been any room for one.  i am not quitting.  i am not gaining.  this week i am maintaining, but i just haven’t been able to keep weight loss as my top priority.

i’m disappointed, but i’m not going to dwell on it, or make excuses.  today is a new day, a new week, a new month.  i deserve to look good and feel good.  i just need to restrategize.  last time i had to get serious, what helped was writing goals, so i’m going to do that again.  i will stick to my goals.

1.  drink 10 glasses water per day (it’s been a over a week since i’ve drinken this much in a day)

2.  1300 calories, period. (i was this low only one day out of the last week)

3.  walk dogs every day (have not done this since thursday)

4. resume daily yoga routine, and aerobics 3-4x (but stop if it causes back pain goal 5.  i will not injure myself further)

also, i made the decision to use my degree today, which makes me feel really good.  i graduated in may 2007, with a bachelor’s in social work, but i haven’t done anything with it.  i do in home care giving for disabled people, and i love it, but it is really low pay and no benefits.  well i feel like such a knob every month when i write that check for my student loans, for an education i’m not using.  i actually regret going to college sometimes because of the bills i’ve accumulated.  i had commented on other people’s blogs today about addressing the circumstances that lead to over eating.  the things in your life you are unhappy about that cause you to comfort yourself with food.  well one of mine is definitely money.  my car’s only got about 3 good months (everyone cross your fingers) left in it, if that, and i cannot afford a car payment.  i don’t want to work more than 40 hours a week, i just need a job with a higher pay rate than what mine is now.  it’s pretty hard to make it on $250 a week!  so i called up the university and left a message about setting up an appointment with a career counselor.  it will be a process.  there are a few exams i have to pay for and pass to get certified, and then there’s the issue of actually finding a job, but i’m excited about having something else to look forward to, and taking some steps in the right direction to make a better life for myself.

hope everyone else is having a great thursday too!!

 in other news the scale finally went down to 144!  a small 1 lb victory, but a victory none the less.  well i’m going to try my hardest to enjoy the weekend camping, hopefully mark will prove his worth there, building a fire and what not…but there’s so much to do, buying, packing, making sure the rabbit and plants will be ok for a few days.  i hope my tomato plants don’t dry out, i think i’m just going to bring them in the house.  no sunlight, but i think they’ll hold moisture better.  well i’d love to blog all day, but well, lots to do.  i’m taking my yoga mat with so i don’t get off track, and a notebook to log what i eat.  hope everyone has a great weekend, i won’t be online, but i’ll be thinking of everyone!

so, on to yesterday.  i have not been in a very good mood lately.  i don’t know why, nothing bad has happened, i really have no reason not to be happy.  makes you wonder about the whole brain chemical emotion thing.  i hope i snap out of it soon.  in anycase, yesterday was my long day at work, so i got home all tired out - not like physically exhausted, just tired of running around taking care of and doing for other people yesterday.  well i was really hungry and mark had gone skydiving, so i figured i’d just make dinner for one.  i cooked a peice of italian marinated chicken-mmmm…., and ate a serving of baby carrots while i waited.  finished the chicken and didn’t feel full.  i looked at my calories online and they were really low for the day, so i was like, what else can i have?  i kept thinking chips, but i’d already had a bag at lunch, and i just said no!  after some deliberation, i decided on another peice of chicken, since even with that, my cals were still only at 850 for the day.  by the end of peice of chicken number 2, i was stuffed.  but such low calories, i thought.  and i gave in to a rice krispie treat, even though i know they are making me sick….  well after that, i just felt plain bloated.  i actually felt bad, like i had just had a big binge, even though i’d still only taken in 940 cals for the day.  i tried to turn it around, like well at least my stomach has finally gotten smaller.  and that does make me feel good.  it took a month, but, my stomach has shrunk and i don’t have stomach hunger all day long anymore, thank god, that’s probably the worst part of starting to diet…  of course i still have brain hunger - you know the kind that makes your mouth water when you see an arby’s commercial late at night.  anyway i was so full, all i wanted to do was go to sleep, but instead i took the dogs for our standard half hour walk.  i didn’t feel like i was burning any calories though.  i felt like they were walking me.  oh well, it’s good exercise for them anyway.  well mark came home in a really good mood.  his skydiving is like the equivalent of my shopping.  it was nice to see him so happy, he’s been grumpy about work lately.  so all in all it’s been a good couple of days, i don’t know what my emotional dysfunction is about, i have no reason not to feel great about everything i’m doing  hopefully i’ll snap out of it soon.  hope everyone has a great thursday, and sticks to their goals!