cassienvincent

It’s been about a year since my go with buddyslim.  I don’t know what happened.  I guess I got off track and didn’t want to face it.  Even if you’re not doing good with the weight loss, if you log on here, you’re at least acknowledging that you are in a struggle with your weight. 

So I could whine on and on about how I was 10 lbs over my start weight in April 2008 (a point I’m well aware of), but I don’t know, my thought patterns regarding weight have changed quite a bit since my last log in. 

First of all, I don’t have any upcomming event to rush to lose weight for.  I think this is really a good thing, because my pattern has always been, cram to lose weight, gain it back, repeat.  So I’m on the slow road now.  I’ve made significant diet changes in the last month, and the health benefits I’ve seen are wonderful.  I feel much better - of course I still look the same.  But I’m hoping that slowing down and just making healthier living choices will  be more sustainable in the long run. 

If only I could give up chips!  I’d be set, but I’m doing well.  I gave up grains 3 years ago (except rice and corn in small amounts), because - yes I know this sounds crazy - they gave me rheumatoid arthritis.  Celiac disease is much more widely known these days, but I still get some of those raised eye brow “hmms” when I tell people about it.  The truth is it doesn’t matter whether people think I’m nuts or what.  I was soo sick for soo long, and I’m soo grateful to be able to do things like using my hands to put socks on again.  I’m glad that I found out about the dangers of grains.  And yes, I said dangers.  Grains were not part of the Human’s natural diet, and there are a multitude of studies out there showing some of the harmful effects that grains can have on humans, from auto-immune diseases to schizophrenia.  And while doctors continue to be trained in treating with pharmacueticals and never considering nutrition, I’ve found something invaluable.

Last month I eliminated dairy and cane sugars.  I’ve never been much on sugar anyhow, and I stopped putting it in my coffee many years ago because of the obvious calorie issue, but now I’m making sure I’m not eating any.  Mainly this is for calorie reasons, but also, I’ve found I prefer fruit to sugary snacks any day.  And guess what, cane sugars were not part of the native human diet either.  So while my Rheumatoid arthritis was cured by eliminating grains, I had some other ongoing issues.  If you’re easily grossed out, you might as well stop here and go on to another blog - I warned you.  I’ve had a vaginal yeast infection for pretty much my whole life.  I can remember going to the doctor as a child for him to examine me down there, and my mom yelling at my dad that it was likely because he used pink toilet paper at his house.  I also remember awful yeast infections in my armpits and how painful those were.  My mom told me when I was young that I had to be on soy formula as a baby.  Why she then proceeded to feed me milk and milk products for the rest of my childhood, I’ll never know.  What I do know is that after 1 month of no dairy, the 25 year yeast infection I’ve struggled with is gone.  And let me tell you, what an amazing feeling!  Also gone is my daily acid stomach.

And so Paleo, I go.  I’m focusing on eating what we humans are supposed to eat, evolutionarily.  It’s a hunter/gatherer diet.  Which, by the way, is far from what the average person eats, against the food pyramid guidlines, and unfortunately not all that convenient.  On the other hand, I feel better than I’ve ever felt before.  And I just had my health screening done for my insurance and I ranked well below low on each and every risk factor for heart disease/diabetes.  That’s got to say something for how I eat.  Even though I’m labeled as “moderately over weight,” I’m proud to know how healthy I am, and I truely believe it’s my diet, considering both heart disease and diabetes run in my family.  Now if only I could get my boyfriend on board…

i’m depressed.  i’ve been in this awful funk since friday now and i’ve really got to get out of it.  a few people have blogged lately about the underlying circumstances in their life that cause them to turn to food as a means of comfort.  i’ve been in such a bad rut that i don’t want to do anything good for myself, not watch what i’m eating, i really don’t even want to brush my teeth.  i just want to lay around and sleep all day.  it’s a bad place to be….  i know that wallowing in your problems doesn’t help to solve the problem at all.  i know i’d be feeling better if i was giving myself a reason to feel good, but i just haven’t been able to muster up the ambition. 

ok it all started friday night.  i was sitting on the couch next to my bf and i said out of the blue, so are you going to get your vasectomy reversed in the next couple of years?   and to summarize, the answer was no, i made the decision for a reason, and it would cost way too much, and there’s not any guarantee that would even work…  well i’ve known about this vasectomy all along, and i don’t know why i would have expected it to change, i’ve just stuck it out with mark because i know he’s a good man, we have a lot in common, a lot of fun together, and i know he’s good for me.  good for me in the everyday life sense.  i used to go out drinking like nearly everyday before him, and the year before i met him, i had 6 boyfriends.  6 people to stay up all night talking with, to get to know.  i hate dating, always having to be looking your best, acting your best, trying to impress.  and you spend way too much money when dating, with all the going out stuff.  6  people was way too many for one year, i was exhausted, and then i met mark, and we were just friends for like 4 months, and then one thing led to another, and so now here i am 2 years later, and really in love.  don’t get me wrong i whine a lot about trivial things, like how gross it is that he never washes out his toothbrush and gets toothpaste all over everything, and sometimes i feel unappreciated, but whenever i point that out, he makes sure to let me know that he does appreciate me.  i don’t know why i felt the need to bring up the whole vasectomy thing out of nowhere, maybe because we had so much fun on our trip, and it just got me to thinking, if this isn’t going to work out, then what am i doing here?  i know i’m only 24, but i’m comfy here, and i could easily wake up 30, and be like wow, lifes flying by, i want to have kids soon, but i don’t have anyone to have kids with! 

well the other thing is that i spend all my time, energy and money (what little i have) on mark’s life and family.  he has 3 kids, 1 that lives in tennessee, who he hasn’t seen in 2 years but is coming to visit next month, and 2 here in town that we have every weekend and occasionally during the week.  when they are here, i get up with them in the morning.  i wash them and dress them, feed them and get them a drink when they’re thirsty.  i buy their clothes and pay for them to have swimming or gymnastics lessons.  last year, i bought all the christmas presents.  i clean up after everyone.  i plan fun activities and outings every weekend, and often pay for them.  i taught them the alphabet and how to count to 100, now we are working on phonics and reading.  the point is, that pretty much everything i do, i do for mark.  and i just cannot fathom how he could expect that i should pass on ever being a mom myself, because he was irresponsible early in his life and ended up with 3 kids.  i don’t want to get old and be alone, who does?

 i have a friend who has said he would donate sperm for me to have kids later, but i haven’t discussed it with mark.  and this friend is actually an ex boyfriend, so i don’t know how that would go over.  i’m not so keen on the idea anyway.  for one thing, i don’t think mark would be as into me and my kid living in his house…  i don’t think he would love my kid/s the way i love his…  also, the whole process of artificial insemination, well, it definitely has a yuck factor, as far as the procedure goes.  further, the idea of being pregnant/giving birth does not appeal to me.  i don’t know that i’ll ever be like, ok, this is the time, i’m ready, i want to do this now…  i think it would be much better if it just happened accidentally… but it isn’t going to.

pretty much everyone i talk to says i should just leave.  that it just can’t work out.  dara made a great point in saying that “sometimes we have to give up what we like/love now, to get what we want and is good for us in the long run”  i don’t want to leave, i really do love mark.  and i don’t want to be at square 1 again.  i hate dating, i don’t want to do it.  i know some people who are trying to set me up with someone in their family, and it’s just like, i can’t even imagine being with someone else.  i don’t want to.

so what’s a girl to do?  i need to find some resolve to get myself out of this state of bummed outedness.  because i’m not doing anything good for myself stuck inside my thoughts and sorrows…

well our trip was a blast.  we got to see so much great live music.  it was a lot more physically demanding than i had expected, but i still had a good enough time, that i’d do it all again.  sleep was very short and far between, there was 5 miles of walking everyday, and then of course there was dealing with the extreme heat.  i was hoping to come home to a 5 lb loss, but i actually stayed right on at 144…  personnally, i’m blaming our stop at the ihop on the way to the airport to come home.  anyway i’m trying really hard to get back on track here.  i lost 12 lbs in my first month on buddyslim, and as i approach my second month anniversary, i’m still in the exact same spot.  of course, the reality of the matter is that i have not been trying.  but i’ve run out of excuses now, no more trip to plan for, the garden is all in the ground and beach season has arrived.  i am so excited to start losing again.  i can’t wait to be out of the 140’s for good.  my mind keeps drifting back to a day last september when i stepped on a scale, fully clothed and with shoes, and freaked out about it telling me i weighed 142.  now here i am, 9 months later and 2 lbs heavier.  but i feel optimistic.  i set some easy goals for myself wednesday, and i’ve been sticking to them (for the last 2 days :)), well almost, i’m having trouble with water….  mostly because i’ve been working too much, i’ve got to invest in some of those bottles of water…  i can take them anywhere i go, i think that would be a big help.  but anyway, i’m really looking forward to getting back to dancing and the whole shebang, seeing a loss every week.  i just have to work at it.  all in all, with how lax i’ve allowed myself to be these last few weeks, i guess i’m just happy to say i haven’t gained.  well it’s off to work, hope everyone has a great weekend!

well everyone, i just really wanted to say thanks for keeping up with me, even though i haven’t been an awesome buddy lately…  i’ve been soo busy with preparing for this trip, that i just haven’t made weight loss a priority.  well today’s the big day - leaving tonight….  and i’m still not even packed!  so i just wanted to thank you all for being such great buddies!

anyhow, i’ll be back next week, tues, or weds, and then i’m going to get super serious about losing weight.  i can’t wait to get back to losing 2-3 lbs a week.  i’ve been hanging out at 144-145, for like 3 or 4 weeks now, i’m ready to get back on board and get serious, and fit into my pants!!  i hope everyone has a great week this week and i’ll talk to you all next week!

this has not been the week for weight loss…

i appreciate all of your support, and i will get back on track here, but it’s just been total chaos all week.  i’ve been spending pretty much all of my spare time gardening.  we’re leaving for vacation next wednesday and there’s just so much to do.  first of all, i’ve got to get all of my veggies in the ground.  and we didn’t even have a spot rotatilled for them, so there was that, the weeding, the painting and constructing of a fence - by the way, i have launched an all out war on the squirrels, who have been using my flower beds as a buffet….  if anyone has suggestions about keeping the squirrels out without dumping poison in the ground, i need help, it seems to be a battle i’m losing.  anyhow, i haven’t been getting to my workouts, i haven’t been counting my calories.  i’ve got to get the house clean enough for a house sitter, have to find a house sitter, have to make care sheets for all my critters, have to pack, have to keep up with the daily responsibilities…  i’m on overload this week.  this vacation thing has really created a lot of stress!  once i get back, i should be able to get back to my routine.  i really thrive with having a routine, but this week there just hasn’t been any room for one.  i am not quitting.  i am not gaining.  this week i am maintaining, but i just haven’t been able to keep weight loss as my top priority.

well, a lot has transpired since my last blog.  in summary, i was feeling so good thursday about dancing, that i decided to try out the intermediate section in my yoga book.  i really surprised myself, in that i had the strength and balance to actually do all of the poses.  i was so happy, but when i woke up friday, i realized i had pulled a muscle in my back.  not too bad, just sore, so i proceeded to do some aerobic dance.  several times i got sharp pains in the muscle while dancing, but i thought, it’s a short one, i’ll just finish.  i tried to go to work, and lift an 83 year old woman to transfer her, and dropped her (not like dropped her, she was only about an inch off her recliner).  i was in soo much pain, couldn’t bend, reach, even breathe.  it was that awful pain that just hurts so bad it wears you out.  i took a bunch of aleve, and was careful not to move, and it reached a manageable point.  but i just felt tired and i wanted to comfort myself, so i did, with food.  well that explains friday’s bad eating, but not yesterday’s…

i’m disappointed, but i’m not going to dwell on it, or make excuses.  today is a new day, a new week, a new month.  i deserve to look good and feel good.  i just need to restrategize.  last time i had to get serious, what helped was writing goals, so i’m going to do that again.  i will stick to my goals.

1.  drink 10 glasses water per day (it’s been a over a week since i’ve drinken this much in a day)

2.  1300 calories, period. (i was this low only one day out of the last week)

3.  walk dogs every day (have not done this since thursday)

4. resume daily yoga routine, and aerobics 3-4x (but stop if it causes back pain goal 5.  i will not injure myself further)

so i finally got around to doing some aerobics this morning.  only 20 min…  what can you do, that darn list of stuff to do…  anyway some bulesque dancing was just what i needed to feel good about this journey again!  in all my various dance work outs the instructors talk about having a dancer’s body, and doing this stuff 5x a week makes me feel soo good.  i look at the dancers in the video and i look in the mirror, and  i tell myself, ‘i am going to have a dancer’s body!’  i felt soo much better today than i’ve felt all week.  and i got a lot of housekeeping done - it was a short day at work.  and so i feel accomplished - my favorite feeling. 

also, i made the decision to use my degree today, which makes me feel really good.  i graduated in may 2007, with a bachelor’s in social work, but i haven’t done anything with it.  i do in home care giving for disabled people, and i love it, but it is really low pay and no benefits.  well i feel like such a knob every month when i write that check for my student loans, for an education i’m not using.  i actually regret going to college sometimes because of the bills i’ve accumulated.  i had commented on other people’s blogs today about addressing the circumstances that lead to over eating.  the things in your life you are unhappy about that cause you to comfort yourself with food.  well one of mine is definitely money.  my car’s only got about 3 good months (everyone cross your fingers) left in it, if that, and i cannot afford a car payment.  i don’t want to work more than 40 hours a week, i just need a job with a higher pay rate than what mine is now.  it’s pretty hard to make it on $250 a week!  so i called up the university and left a message about setting up an appointment with a career counselor.  it will be a process.  there are a few exams i have to pay for and pass to get certified, and then there’s the issue of actually finding a job, but i’m excited about having something else to look forward to, and taking some steps in the right direction to make a better life for myself.

hope everyone else is having a great thursday too!!

a comeback, none the less though.  i wish i could find the self i was last week at this time.  i haven’t had a binge since sunday, so that’s good, and i got in a long dog walk and yoga both yesterday and today.  i haven’t been able to do any real work outs though, and i’m feeling bad about that, but i haven’t been sitting on my butt either.  i’ve got a bunch of extra hours at work this week, so my morning work out time hasn’t been there, and i’ve been transplanting all my seedlings to the ground, which has proven to be a lot of work.  plus the washing machine is broke - has been for a month, and mark just pretends it’s not there…  so i’m trying to keep up with laundry for four people at my dad’s house, trying to clean the house - it’s never done, why is this place always such a mess????  the kids pick up one thing and take two steps, set it down, pick up something else, etc. - this goes on the whole time they’re here.  mark just leaves everything everywhere, my “dieting” dog thinks he’s starving to death and assaults the garbage every time he gets it alone, the rabbit has  adopted a new habbit of using her litter box for her digging instinct, resulting in litter everywhere.  it wears me out, there is just stuff everywhere.  i’m really overwhelmed.  i feel like all i do is tend to everything, but it never gets any better.  looking at my schedule realistically, i won’t be able to get a dvd in til thursday, i feel really crummy about that (since i haven’t done one since friday), but there is just nothing i can do about that right now.  i’m also slacking on the water intake.  that’s proven to be a challenge to get back into too.  well not much time for blogging, have to return to my neverending list of stuff to do…  i just wanted to post so that everyone wasn’t worried that i was still stuck in a bad binge and embarrassed to show my face around here.  hope everyone else is sticking to their goals.  all of your little successes help me feel inspired to keep going.

good morning buddies, on to another new day and another new week.  i wish i had great camping stories for you….  but, well….  to make a long story short, i thwarted two weeks of progress with two days of really bad eating.  friday went good weight loss wise - i stayed within my cal limits, and even did yoga by the campfire.  it was really beautiful to do outside, my only complaint was that i couldn’t find a level spot for balancing.  well it was sooooo cold (in the 30’s) and we only had one blanket for mark and i, and we barely slept a wink, shivering all night.  that set the tone off for a rough saturday.  the day started off well, i ate about twice as what i usually eat for breakfast, but i thought, well i am camping, and it was still only like 340 cals… no biggie, right?  i made it through lunch on my plan too.  shortly thereafter i realized that the only thing planned really for the trip was food.  the kids were having a good time amusing themselves, and mark and i were just lying around in sloth mode, sleep deprived.  i was bored, and my eyes just kept drifting back over to the snacks box, where an open big bag of jalapeno chips (my fave) lay right on top (compliments of marks mom, i wouldn’t buy that kind of self sabotaging thing), i thought, well we are camping, what’s an extra chip snack.  i counted out 13, the serving size, then another 13, then i quit counting and finished the bag.  then there was raisens and peanuts, then a huge dinner, then roasting marshmallows, lots of marshmallows.  basically this binging continued all night and all through sunday.  even when we got back home.  it was mcdonald’s for lunch, more chips, by the time we went out to dinner for mexican food and margaritas, i was stuffed when we sat down.  i still finished my food and came home and went to sleep feeling round and gorged - no exercise.  this morning i still feel bloated.  so on to the damages, because i went to sleep last night in my food induced stupor, my plants that i’ve been taking care of for a month and a half (started from seedlings), were all under water this morning - it poured all night, my rabbit who’s been stuck in her cage all weekend is still stuck in there, no exercise this morning and drumroll… i weighed in at 147.  2 weeks of progress gone in 2 days.  i feel terrible mentally and physically.  and all the fun we had camping is tainted by my memories of over indulging.  it’s just so sad to me, how after all the hard work, it was so easy for me to slip right back into my old ways.  i gave in a little bit, and couldn’t stop.  and so here i am 2 weeks away from vacation and i just had a major set back.  i’m hoping to get back on track today…  we’ll see how it goes.   

so what started out as a good day, with a bad outlook, turned into a mad/stressful day…  where to begin?  i bought a piano at my dad’s last auction, saturday.  my step-mom said she’d help with getting it moved later in the week.  monday, we decided thurs at 5:30, was moving time.  so it was me, her, my dad, the owners of the house wher the piano is, some people with a truck that has a lift on it, mark -my bf, josh - my ex-bf who works for my dad and is truly my best friend, and his brother.  all coordinated to move a piano yesterday at 5:30.  well, tues, mark took the kids back to his ex wifes house, and came home saying something about i gotta take the kids from day care to their uncles house on thurs (always doing favors for the ex wife, and yes they go far above and beyond things pertaining to the kids — i don’t mind being second to the kids, but i hate feeling second to the ex wife, you all remember her, the 90 lb one), so i didn’t give it much thought, until yesterday.  i called him at work, and was like, so what time do you need to take your kids there?  5:30, oh, cuz that’s when we were supposed to move the piano, you know.  well, i gotta borrow the rotatiller from dave (the uncle) too.  honestly i was livid.  i said little to nothing and good bye.  i know how strong i am, and the piano weighs 500 lbs.  thank god i can always count on josh, my ex, to be there for me and always help me when i need it.  so mark says, why can’t we do it later.  and i’m just like, well, that probably would have been fine had we let everyone else involved know earlier.  then he says oh, nevermind, i’m borrowing that rotatiller, and i’m going to bring it home in his truck, so i’ll have to take his truck back, before i can go anywhere.  lovely so glad you’re there for me mark.  anyway the rediculous thing is were doing the piano tonight, and camping fri - sun, so why do we need the rotatiller thurs????  i kept my cool.  i’m so passive - aggressive - terrible for a relationship.  and josh wowed me as usual.  he and his brother got it out of the house and up the hill to the driveway all by themselves.  they then loaded it into my dad’s trailer (the people with the lift truck never showed) and got it into my house.  but it took all evening.  poor josh still had to go work elsewhere, so i made his brother dinner, my broke way of saying thanks, then mark dinner then me, omlettes take forever one at a time.  well before you know it, it’s rediculously late, the dogs are looking at me saying um, we’re really late on the walk thing…  i did take them, but only 2 blocks, too much to do.  so i’m trying to make a list of what we need for camping and mark would have no input.  i’m like, um, we’re going to have to get moving right away, so we should be ready.  he said, oh well i’ve got to go to walmart tomorrow right away after work anyhow, cuz i want to get the kids their own tent, and i said, great, i’ll make you a grocery list, and he’s like, no.  no, we’ll catch some fish and eat that….  all weekend??  do i need to remind you your kids are 4 and 5?  this isn’t the alaska experiment.  plus, mark is really, really, really bad at fishing.  all my relief at getting the piano in and situated was slowly disintegrating as i started to think about all of the things i would have to do in the morning - today, before work.  i’ve got 4 stores to stop at…  plus it’s only supposed to be 50’s/60’s all weekend here, so i have to make sure everyone is warm enough.  well despite my negative feelings at mark’s continued not pulling his weight around here, i handled it well.  55 minutes of ballet after the piano phone call, and yoga after he went to bed.  exercise makes me feel soo much better.  i just get so sick of being responsible for everything and everyone.  i love the kids, but they’re not even mine, you know.

 in other news the scale finally went down to 144!  a small 1 lb victory, but a victory none the less.  well i’m going to try my hardest to enjoy the weekend camping, hopefully mark will prove his worth there, building a fire and what not…but there’s so much to do, buying, packing, making sure the rabbit and plants will be ok for a few days.  i hope my tomato plants don’t dry out, i think i’m just going to bring them in the house.  no sunlight, but i think they’ll hold moisture better.  well i’d love to blog all day, but well, lots to do.  i’m taking my yoga mat with so i don’t get off track, and a notebook to log what i eat.  hope everyone has a great weekend, i won’t be online, but i’ll be thinking of everyone!